Sometimes, after years of marriage (or sometimes after only a few, quite honestly), we get bored. We get "itchy," and sometimes we even wonder what we saw in our spouse in the first place. There is an excellent book out that I am going to tout here because I think it would do many couples a lot of good if they were to read it. But first, I have to tell you that I haven't read the book yet. Nope. Instead, I listened to my pastor speak of its virtues in Church on Sunday. You see, we have spent the last four weeks talking about Sex. And these sex talks have taken place in Church.
Now, I know that many of you are going to say, "Wait a minute...if it came from Church, it can't be good..." But before you turn that dial and go back to your regularly scheduled marriage, give me a chance here. The book I'm talking about is called, "Rekindling the Romance," by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. And from the passages in the book that Bob Shirock talked about on Sunday, it promises to be an excellent read.
I'm not going to get all preachy here, but I will forewarn you that the book not only gives information on how to rekindle romance in your marriage, it also provides scripture and shows that romance, sex and playfulness are God's desire for us in a marriage. So deal with it already.
What caught my attention initially had nothing to do with women; rather, it had to do with men. Dennis Rainey says, "I'm convinced we have a generation of married men who are confused and lonely; they're stuck in a lifeless marriage because they never learned how to cultivate a relationship with a woman that speaks to her romantic need for intimacy." True, this sentence does say something about women and what is wrong with men's relationships with us. But what grabbed me was the 'confused and lonely' part. Is my husband lonely? Is it because I may not be communicating with him what I need in order to provide him with what he needs (a fulfilling sex life)?
As most of us know by now, men are visual creatures. And the pastor himself even stated that all we women have to do in a relationship is show up naked, with food, and men are happy. In fact, they are ecstatic. Before any of you fellas start stomping your feet, waving your fists and saying, "Wait a minute - that's not what we are all about - we have much more depth than that," shut up and listen. I'm not condemning you for being, well, a man. You are what you are. And us gals are what we are. You guys need your bellies full and a roll in the hay now and then - with an eager and willing partner. And as wives, we truly need to be more in touch with that. Honestly, ladies, if you think back to the beginning of your relationship/marriage all those years ago, neither one of you could keep your hands off the other. And all you could think of was a moment alone together. Barbara Rainey says of women, "Your attitude toward your husband's sexuality and sex drive is important because you alone have the power to bless him sexually and affirm his male identity. Your responsiveness is a major component of how he feels about himself." That is a great feeling to give such a gift to a man.
And, fellas, as I'm sure you already know, women are more complex when it comes to a relationship. We need to be talked to, complimented, even assisted with what you might think are ridiculously lame tasks (such as helping bring in the groceries, putting the kids to bed, feeding the dog or occasionally doing the freaking dishes, for crying out loud). These displays of affection mean a whole lot more to us than you think. It shows us you care about us. It shows us you love us. That old saying, "actions speak louder than words," really rings true here. And it is a major turn-on for us.
Pastor Bob also talked about the seasons of romantic love. The new love phase, the disappointed love phase and the cherishing committed love phase. We all know how new love feels so I won't go into it here. But one thing that struck me is the disappointed love phase. This phase can take up a lot of our energy. We spend too much time thinking things like, "If only she didn't talk so much," "If only he liked to dance," "If only she would lose weight," "If only he would shut his trap about my weight," etc. Something we have to remember is that many of the things we thought were cute about our spouses in the beginning seem to annoy us now. Get rid of that. And instead of wishing your spouse had different qualities and instead of thinking about the "if onlys," embrace what he/she has now. Embrace that you are together and that you have made, and are making, a life together. Do things for each other - often. Do things together - often. Compliment each other - often. Laugh together - often.
Finally, the committed love phase is the lifeblood of romance. Make a commitment so that your spouse knows you are there for the long haul. Threats of leaving or divorce should never enter the marriage equation. Times will be tough with anyone we are with - so remember that. The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence, but those people in that house on the other side of the fence? They have issues too. Stop thinking you should have married someone else. Stop wasting your energy daydreaming about someone else. Channel your romantic energy, as Bob reminded us, toward your spouse and no one else. Guys, get away from that pornography. Ladies, stop flirting with your husband's best friend. Because if he has a wife and he's flirting with you, chances are pretty good that she is feeling the way you are and he is feeling the way your husband does.
I'm not going to get all preachy here, but I will forewarn you that the book not only gives information on how to rekindle romance in your marriage, it also provides scripture and shows that romance, sex and playfulness are God's desire for us in a marriage. So deal with it already.
What caught my attention initially had nothing to do with women; rather, it had to do with men. Dennis Rainey says, "I'm convinced we have a generation of married men who are confused and lonely; they're stuck in a lifeless marriage because they never learned how to cultivate a relationship with a woman that speaks to her romantic need for intimacy." True, this sentence does say something about women and what is wrong with men's relationships with us. But what grabbed me was the 'confused and lonely' part. Is my husband lonely? Is it because I may not be communicating with him what I need in order to provide him with what he needs (a fulfilling sex life)?
As most of us know by now, men are visual creatures. And the pastor himself even stated that all we women have to do in a relationship is show up naked, with food, and men are happy. In fact, they are ecstatic. Before any of you fellas start stomping your feet, waving your fists and saying, "Wait a minute - that's not what we are all about - we have much more depth than that," shut up and listen. I'm not condemning you for being, well, a man. You are what you are. And us gals are what we are. You guys need your bellies full and a roll in the hay now and then - with an eager and willing partner. And as wives, we truly need to be more in touch with that. Honestly, ladies, if you think back to the beginning of your relationship/marriage all those years ago, neither one of you could keep your hands off the other. And all you could think of was a moment alone together. Barbara Rainey says of women, "Your attitude toward your husband's sexuality and sex drive is important because you alone have the power to bless him sexually and affirm his male identity. Your responsiveness is a major component of how he feels about himself." That is a great feeling to give such a gift to a man.
And, fellas, as I'm sure you already know, women are more complex when it comes to a relationship. We need to be talked to, complimented, even assisted with what you might think are ridiculously lame tasks (such as helping bring in the groceries, putting the kids to bed, feeding the dog or occasionally doing the freaking dishes, for crying out loud). These displays of affection mean a whole lot more to us than you think. It shows us you care about us. It shows us you love us. That old saying, "actions speak louder than words," really rings true here. And it is a major turn-on for us.
Pastor Bob also talked about the seasons of romantic love. The new love phase, the disappointed love phase and the cherishing committed love phase. We all know how new love feels so I won't go into it here. But one thing that struck me is the disappointed love phase. This phase can take up a lot of our energy. We spend too much time thinking things like, "If only she didn't talk so much," "If only he liked to dance," "If only she would lose weight," "If only he would shut his trap about my weight," etc. Something we have to remember is that many of the things we thought were cute about our spouses in the beginning seem to annoy us now. Get rid of that. And instead of wishing your spouse had different qualities and instead of thinking about the "if onlys," embrace what he/she has now. Embrace that you are together and that you have made, and are making, a life together. Do things for each other - often. Do things together - often. Compliment each other - often. Laugh together - often.
Finally, the committed love phase is the lifeblood of romance. Make a commitment so that your spouse knows you are there for the long haul. Threats of leaving or divorce should never enter the marriage equation. Times will be tough with anyone we are with - so remember that. The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence, but those people in that house on the other side of the fence? They have issues too. Stop thinking you should have married someone else. Stop wasting your energy daydreaming about someone else. Channel your romantic energy, as Bob reminded us, toward your spouse and no one else. Guys, get away from that pornography. Ladies, stop flirting with your husband's best friend. Because if he has a wife and he's flirting with you, chances are pretty good that she is feeling the way you are and he is feeling the way your husband does.
I think that often when one person feels dissatisfied, they never stop to think that maybe their spouse is too. They surf for porn or maybe they go out with the girls or the guys in search of attention. Stop doing that. Give attention where it needs to be - with your spouse - the person you committed your life to. The person you really would hate to see lying in a hospital bed terminally ill and wondering why you didn't realize what he/she meant to you before. It takes effort, but it is worth it. And also remember that if we wait for the other person to start this thing called change, we might be waiting forever. But when one person changes, it is amazing how the other person will get in sync and suddenly you don't have a flat tire in your relationship anymore. Things are rolling along just fine. And things are romantic again.
As for me, I'm off to the store to gather all of the ingredients for one of my husband's favorite meals. I've got my makeup on, my hair looks pretty good (except for that highlighting faux pas I did last week but he hasn't said anything negative about it - in fact, he hasn't said anything about it, PERIOD) and I've completely straightened the bedroom, washed the sheets, and well, the rest is, shall we say, private - between a husband and wife. And I'm going to be smiling, energetic and full of life. I need a cup of coffee.....
Copyright 2009 liamsgrandma
