Liam's Grandma or Maggie in Real Life

Walking in Balance (or Trying Not to Fall Over)

I haven't posted in over two weeks.  For anyone who is the mother of an almost 2 year old, you can totally relate.  If you are the grandmother of an almost 2 year old living with you, you can way relate.

Last night, Druck turned to me and said, "Are you taking a nap when Liam naps?"  I told him, "No."  Because that is when I get the bulk of my chores done. 

"You need to take a nap," he urged.  "You look....bad."  My eyes narrowed and, before I could speak, he quickly added, "I mean, you look tired."  

I spent yesterday's naptime trying to balance our checkbook.  Something that Druck normally does because I am a trainwreck when it comes to math.  I have no idea how I passed my math and chemistry classes in high school except that I carried my "Pray to St. Jude" pen around that my mother gave me like it was the Holy Grail. And perhaps it was.  For those of you who don't know, St. Jude is the Catholic patron saint of Hopeless Cases.  Which is me.  When it comes to math - and other things.  And the carrying on with the pen was all when I was a Catholic.  So I don't know if Jude would do me any favors now.  But, apparently, someone favored me when I, sitting there in my "I Bring Nothing to the Table" t-shirt that my friend, Laura, got me for my 50th birthday, actually balanced the checkbook. 

When I got to the end and Quickbooks shot up the CONGRATULATIONS! window, I popped up straight and tall in my chair and stared at the screen for a few seconds, blinking in disbelief several times, before standing up and doing high fives to imaginery people.  If that wasn't enough (which it wasn't), I proceeded to pull a Tom Cruise and danced on the couch.  I stomped through the cushions, whipped off my shirt and paraded around the house wearing only my jeans and mint colored push-up bra, playing an air guitar solo that could put even Santana to shame, because HEY!  I BROUGHT SOMETHING TO THE TABLE!  And if my friend, Lisa, is reading this, I know...I KNOW! Her jaw just hit the table and she's making an appointment for some kind of jaw rewiring because she KNOWS I can't add or subtract to save my life or even the life of an entire country.

So, after regaining composure from my ecstatic bout of nirvana, I put my shirt back on and texted Druck, "CHECKBOOK BALANCED," to which he responded in the form of a photo.  I don't know about the rest of you, but for some reason, that photo brings the movie, BRAVEHEART, to mind.

And yes, I drank in that praise like a 21 year-old warrior, tossing back her 22nd bonus shot of some heinous whiskey on her birthday night, and whipped off my shirt again, grabbed my air guitar and danced through those cushions one more time, relishing my moment of glory until the little girl across the street (Mia), rang the doorbell and I scrambled for my clothing, smoothed my hair and, breathless, but elated, because it's the little things in life that matter, I purchased 3 boxes of Girl Scout cookies from her, closed the door and went to start the laundry.

Copyright 2010 liamsgrandma

Maggie's Top Ten New Year's Resolutions...

10.    I will not wear that black gown again until I turn 60.

9.    When I turn 60, I will wear that black gown to show off my new boob job, my neck lift, and dermabrasion.

8.    I'm going to quit challenging my neighbor to a sprint down the street every summer because maybe if I quit asking, he'll think I gave up because he'll think he can beat me and then, one night, when he thinks I least expect it, he'll sheepishly come to my door, but coyly look at me because he'll think that finally he can beat me and I'll just be all like, "Well, I suppose I can try..." and he'll have that gleam in his eye and I'll try to hide my excitement and WHAM!  He won't even know what hit him as I leave him in the dust.

7.     No more fantasizing about John F. Kennedy Jr. taking on that role that Nicolas Cage played in City of Angels where he (JFK Jr.) (an angel) will decide to "fall" and become human and sweep me (the occasional human) off of my feet, except that I didn't like the ending of that movie so I created a better ending where we live happily ever after, jet-setting around the world and making love on our own private beach 4 times a day, he making world-changing decisions at his incredible job as President of the United States, and me, as First Lady, teaching the kitchen help how to cook - when I'm not out meeting with heads of State (because I will also be Secretary of State), promoting World Peace.  But, again, I'm giving it up.  Because I'm going to be more realistic in 2010 if it kills me, in which case, if it does, I might just get swept off my feet after all, so, John, if you are listening, keep me in mind because I'll be looking for you OA (on arrival).

6.    I will only change my hair color 2 times this year.  Brunette and, as we get closer to summer, a shade of blonde that sports low-lights.  Kind of a caramely color with the blond swirled through it.  Kind of like one of those caramel candies with that cream center.   

5.    I'm going to read a book a month.  An adult book.  So that obviously does not include "Pajama Time!" or "The Going to Bed Book," "Good Night Moon," "Over In The Meadow" or any of the Dr. Seuss books.   And, just in case my brother is reading this and is giving his silent commentary, it does not include porn either.  Snort.  Sorry to disappoint.

4.    I'm going to get that novel to the half-way mark if it kills me (see the last sentence of #7).  If anyone knows an agent interested in a spectacular, mind-blowing novel that will keep you turning the page to the very end, keep it to yourself.  Because I have realized that we are all legends in our own minds and my book probably stinks.

3.    I am going to spend 50% of my energy on Liam.  Giving it all as hard as I can until he slaps me across the face and says, "Nimmy, it's been 18 years.  I'm a big boy now.  Please pack away my bibs.  And please stop making that Teddy Bear follow me around talking in a high-pitched tone, asking me if I went poo."   

2.    I'm giving 10% of my energy to my children (5% each).  And occasionally their percentages will be divvied up between Liam and Druck because they are adults.  They really don't need me all that much anymore.  Or at least they SHOULDN'T.  But that's why I am trying to live in the moment, which should be part of another resolution, but I'll include it in here because they are the reason I'm trying to simply live in the moment.  And I'm giving 10% to any others who need me at varying times.

1.    I'm giving 30% to my dear husband and, baby, that 30% is going to be the sweetest, most intense, white-hot love you could ever imagine.  Because you deserve it and more.  Whatever made you stay with me all these years is beyond me.  It must have been some weird-ass fascination with the bizarre and unexplainable.  Or some text-book form of masochism.  I have no idea.  But I am grateful for it.  Every bit of it.  Even though you annoy the hell out of me REGULARLY.

You may wonder why I didn't give myself any of that 100%.  I'll get time for myself here and there.  But what I've learned in these 50 years is that the best way I can live my life is to live it with, for, through, and alongside others.  Without them, I am nothing and I would certainly cease to exist.  

May your 2010 be bright, beautiful, hopeful and enriched by the nuances and eccentricities of those you already know and by those you have yet to meet.    

And I promise...this is the last time (until I turn 60) that you have to look at this dress again.

Copyright 2010 liamsgrandma